'Charmed' Review: Season 1, Ep 1: These special effects are killing me

'Charmed' Review: Season 1, Ep 1: These special effects are killing me

Charmed - Season 1 - Episode 1: Something Wicca This Way
Sisters Prue & Piper Halliwell have recently moved into their grandmother's old victorian in the San Francisco hills.

Okay, so confession: I’m not a witch. I have friends who are and they are always trying to get me into certain things, one of which being watching Charmed. Even though I may not be a witch, I am a film major, so I’m about to critique the hell out of this episode. All in the name of good, non-judging fun. here are my reactions to the first episode of Charmed. Let’s get started, shall we?

Prue, what’s her deal?

Already we have two sisters with two very different personalities and one sister stuck in the middle. Apparently, big sister Prue has got some beef with little sister Phoebe (who is moving back home). What could be the cause of their tension? Did Phoebe steal a boyfriend? Is Prue just jaded that she had to raise her sisters thanks to the disappearing dad? Or is it just your typical sibling rivalry? In any case, Piper is going to have to do some serious refereeing when Phoebe moves back in.

This reporter

Either he’s sketchy or they are making us think he’s sketchy, when he’s really a good guy. Either way, I don’t think he’s just a one-time character.

The mystical music whenever the cat is on screen

What’s the deal with the cat? Is it completely cliché of me to ask why they didn’t cast a black cat? Something’s going down with this cat, we will just have to wait and see.

WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH A OUIJIA BOARD TO BEING WITH?

Maybe it’s because I’m not a witch, but to me, this needs no explanation. Nothing good comes out of playing with a Ouija board at nighttime. Especially when there is a mysterious inscription written on the back.

The ‘sex with someone other than herself’ comment

Whoa, can you say PG-13?  Either I’m just older and not an adolescent tween or they snuck a little something dirty into the script.

Typical rainstorm

Apparently, nothing scary can happen on a bright, sunny afternoon. Rain, rain, here to stay, murderer, murderer, go away.

The inner horror movie is evolving

Ouija board, check. Hooded figure, check. Pouring rain, check. Trip to attic, check. All that’s left is the murder of the weakest character.

Okay, so y’all got some powers now

Ah, no big I can just freeze time, see the future and move things with my mind. I’m not freaking out or anything, totally cool. Just another day in the neighborhood.

Return of the detective inspector

I can’t seem to remember this guy’s name. Andrew? I think… He is my first choice as the killer. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time there was a corrupt cop in a movie. They are the first at the crime scene and can deter the investigation. Yeah, I’ve seen Dexter. Plus, now he has some history with Prue? I think we are getting hot.

Seriously dude?

Well that escalated quickly… Guess it wasn’t the reporter, but the boyfriend! Is it just me or was that the weirdest ‘I’m going to kill you moment’ you’ve ever seen? Take note girls, if a guy takes you to a creepy warehouse, run, because he’s probably a killer…or a warlock.

The effects

That fire? That tornado? The killer sounding voice effect? The 90’s special effects at its finest. Did we really think that they were good?

The killer slash boyfriend was the reporter from the beginning!

Yeah… excuse me while I go write the next best thriller novel. A reporter being the killer? Horror movie genius. But wait, let’s back up. How long were Piper and the psycho boyfriend (aka Jeremy) a thing? At least long enough for her to mention multiple times (should have been a give-in to him being the killer), yet still in the honeymoon stages of surprise flowers.

Until next time

So now the big question: will I continue watching? I think so… ah who am I kidding, I’ll probably watch three more episodes tonight if I’m honest. All in all, I don’t think I’ll learn anything about real magick or witchcraft from this show, but hey, it’s entertaining. Now the real questions brujas, which power of the three would you’d want most? Moving things with your mind, freezing time or seeing the future? My money is on moving things with your mind.

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